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a serving of guilt

Posted by Miss Knotty on November 16, 2005

My church has been laying on the guilt lately. I don’t know if this is because I’m hyperanalytical or if God’s really convicting me of the layers upon layers upon layers of sin in my life. I think it’s probably both. I’m a sinful being. My motives are usually impure, I’m manipulative and I often espouse a means-justify-the-ends philosophy. No, really. I took a personality test and that’s what it said. It bummed me out, too. But what are ya gonna do? That’s just the way the cookie crumbles, I guess.

Trouble is, I don’t want there to be layers upon layers of sin in my life, and for every layer I manage to sift through, it’s like one of those self-sifting cat boxes. All the stuff from the top sifty-rack sifts down on top of the second sifty-rack and I have to sift through it all again. And again. And again….. But This doesn’t solve my problem. Am I to feel guilty because I am guilty, or am I being a spiritual hypochondriac? Am I really as horrible as all of the books and sermons say I am, and I should just expect to be a horrible person and keep looking up and striving for better-ness, or is it more of an issue that I’m attributing untrue characteristics to myself and being a worry wart and a low-self-esteem-queen?

See, G-man (I have decided to call the senior pastor g-man. Because it lends a sense of familiarity to him, which makes me feel better, since he introduces himself to me anew every time he sees me. Which is funny, since we’ve met.I’ve decided that since he doesn’t know me, I’m gonna ask another pastor to baptize me. Maybe. If I ever get rebaptized. I don’t really know if that’ll happen, considering that I don’t stand up for my beliefs because I’m afraid I’ll get laughed at/ridiculed or called a hypocrite. Which I’m really trying to work on, but what are you supposed to do if someone’s known you for long enough to know that you’ve made a pretty much complete 180 from being a multitheist to a monotheist and a christian?

Do people ever think that they’re the authors of their own troubles, or are troubles more like learning opportunities from God? I mean, I’ve always been of the school of thought that says ‘you made your bed, now you have to lie in it’, but is it more of an issue of God saying ‘hey, it’s time you learned something. Here. Chew on this.’? Guess I’ll have to take that to God, too. I need to work on my prayer habits, on top of everything else.

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